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i am a blue blood, i will admit that.
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| good |
[ | |
Saturday, December 1st 2007 at 6:53 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jackie itunes music? |
] |
that's what life is right now. amazing. everything has been going so well. everything is better. everyone is amazing.
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| if you still ever read this, |
[ | |
Saturday, October 13th 2007 at 4:50 pm
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mood |
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 regretful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the dear hunter |
] |
i'm sorry. i've been thinking about everything a lot lately and i cant even put into words how sorry i am. doubt you'll see this, but if you do....yeah. i am very sorry. i'm sure that doesn't even make a dent in the resentment you have for me, but thought you'd like to know.
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| shit damnit |
[ | |
Sunday, October 7th 2007 at 2:47 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 fucking pissed |
] |
i'm so disgusted. everything that was together a month ago has now been completly dismembered. this is ridiculous. i've just been used and shafted so hard twice over. completly absurd. this is just my karma though coming back to slap me in the face five times harder. i've moved back to my house in penfield. think i need to be home for a while, the drinking got out of hand. not that i made a fool of myself or did anything bad..i just did it too often. doesn't do much for the the mood swings and downward feelings. ah fuck i am murphy's law, he was right about that. it's just been the past month and a half that the law has not been brought on by myself. i've fucked up way too much this past year, and when i tried to turn it around it completly back fired into my face. i deserved every second of it.
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[ | |
Sunday, October 7th 2007 at 12:12 am
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 everything. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the dear hunter |
] |
wow.
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| don't be greatful if i ever made you laugh. |
[ | |
Wednesday, October 3rd 2007 at 5:38 pm
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| [ |
music |
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dear and the headlights |
] |
minus the bear was pretty sweet on Sunday. took ryan for his 21st birthday present. really happy we decided to go to that...it was a sweet present and now i have one less thing to do before i die. we have to move out of this place. i'm not exactly sure why, but we do. something with the rent and the landloard being a dickfuck. we're probably moving into a seven bedroom house on alexander though. that would be amazing. mm yeah that's about all for now. school is going alright, i miss home though. i miss caitlin and kyle alot still. don't think i'll ever stop putting that in my entries. i cried yesterday for a really long time. suppose i just needed to get everything out. way too much shit has been happening in the past three months. i kind of want to go back to north carolina when everything was good.
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| well i do declare |
[ | |
Tuesday, September 25th 2007 at 5:20 pm
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mood |
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blank |
] |
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music |
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menos el oso |
] |
you once tried too hard leaning masochistic i once moved too far but now it's broken, so simplistic.
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| todays lookin like gloom |
[ | |
Sunday, September 9th 2007 at 12:06 pm
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mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
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music |
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nothing |
] |
these past few weeks have been pretty damn ridiculous. justin and i are done for good. the destruction of that relationship was purely my fault and i take full responsibility for it's demise and i'll have to live with knowing i blindly hurt someone who cared so much for me and only wanted to help.
i got karma back times two with someone else. what ever, guess i deserved it. now i understand how it feels to be completely honest and good to someone you care about and have it shoved back in your face. my past is terrible but i've done nothing in the present to further it's stance. i'll just have to keep trying and moving forward.
moved out of my house into a place on chili ave. pretty close to MCC. i like it but my room mate left for the weekend so it's been pretty lonely. having people there doesn't help all to much considering drama has been happening. this past week has been especially fun-tastic in the drama area. took up drinking again. it's not so bad though, i can keep my composure and not make terrible decisions. i guess when you really want to change it can happen.
college is great. don't have to be to class un till 10 monday wednesday and friday. tuesday i have a class at noon and thursday i have off. i'm starting at friendly's on tuesday with the lovely tess whitney. that should be fun. i need money terribly. i don't have internet at my place yet which is really balls. that needs to change very soon or i will be F'd in the A as far as homework goes. mass media is a great class.
i miss my friends alot.
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| down south |
[ | |
Thursday, August 16th 2007 at 6:10 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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none --- the sound of children crying and hitting eachother |
] |
matt's right, it's time i update this bad boy. it indeed has been quite a while. i've been down in north carolina since july 14th and it's been amazing. that's kind of true. i've been able to paint with my aunt, she's a muralist. the down side to that is i hate painting murals. It's not too bad when i'm around her though, she's a great person. she has six kids and still manages to love everyone else around her. really hope i can be like that some day. well....not with six kids but what i mean is obvious.
i really do miss everyone. cant wait to come back this sunday. i'll be in around noon-ish and defiantly ready to interact with people my own age. i've been around only kids and adults for the longest time and i honestly cant stand it anymore. getting through the next few days is going to blow pretty hard.
between entertaining the kids, driving them to practice, and trying to get the smallest one to quit bawling her eyes out all the time...i've managed to actually not drink and cut down on smoking. excercise too ----gasp. yes that's right, i've been jogging and doing pilaties. hopefully i've lost some weight. i cant really tell though.
i'll try to get on a write some more later, have to go to a dance recital.
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| loom to lament |
[ | |
Tuesday, June 19th 2007 at 2:04 am
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| [ |
mood |
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something not good |
] |
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music |
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nothing |
] |
well it's three something in the AM and i have to work an eight hour shift tomorrow, beginning at noon. I'm almost positive that it will rule a lot.
sometimes i feel like someone who gets me so well doesn't know me at all. In all honesty -who enjoys being put down in front of their friends? Poking fun every now and then is perfectly fine, but straight face serious tone cutting remarks just start to wear at the ego and self esteem when their occurrences become high in numbers. For someone who comments on how intelligent and beautiful i supposedly am they're great at making me feel rather worthless. I shouldn't be saying anything really though, I'm a smart ass too.
I had the best time I've had in a long time last night. Got to spend a lot of time with Caitlin which is always a pleasure [seriously, no sarcasm. i love my Caitlin]. saw about five different groups of friends, even some kids from high school I've never spoken to in my entire life. Strange how that works...right when high school ends everyone starts hanging out with the kids they used to make fun of or vice versa--and it's completely ok.
that reminds me--high school is over. and what do i have to show for twelve years of school? an empty head and a hand that can regurgitate neat pictures.
speaking of that whole art thing, i actually managed to pull off getting a scholarship. It was Ben's memorial scholarship. Not much money, but really i don't even care. Wasn't quite sure how to feel about the scholarship in it's self...I mean it's five hundred dollars towards what i want to do with my life, yet if Ben was still here it wouldn't have happened. I'd rather have a friend than five hundred dollars. I didn't know how to respond to it so i just cried a lot.
well that was depressing. But i really am honored to receive the award in his memory. He was the first person to teach me how to be different, individual, and not give a care about what people think about me. Ben became my hero when he wore a fairy costume to school for the fuck of it. Now i have this great scholarship to pursue a subject which was such a large part of his life and what he taught me to be. man i miss that kid.
new job soon?
things are changing.
ok goodnight
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| Speak dumb like every other one |
[ | |
Thursday, May 24th 2007 at 11:37 pm
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| [ |
mood |
| |
 i'm sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dear and the headlights - sweet talk |
] |
sooo
alex tess and i went to look at an apartment. it was amazing. HUUUGE kitchen, three nice bedrooms, a great living room with a wood burning fire place, and a massive basement. the cost would cripple all of us financially which is quite unfortunate. an extremely bad idea to look at that apartment first, because anything we look at after it will be complete shit in comparison.
toren is back from college !! i had the great pleasure of being a man with him and kevin the other day, entailing sitting around toren's living room reading comics and watching weird movies. forgot how much i missed chilling with that kid
umm show at the stage tomorrow?
brent's ball soon?
party this weekend?
all good things are happening.
for the most part anyways
Say something you mean
Don't be polite
Kiss, kill, but nothing in between
I can't sit still and get cancelled
Got cancelled, can't sit still
Not when you've got
Speak dumb like every other one
like every other one
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| Fast approaching death, you aren't helping it. |
[ | |
Monday, May 14th 2007 at 8:54 pm
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| [ |
music |
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dear and the headlights - i'm bored, you're amorous |
] |
this past week has ruled for the most part.
only drank once which is good
senior ball friday! unfortunately it's on the same day as this massive show that i really wanted to go to. shitty :/ oh well there will be more shows. Justin and i broke up about,three weeks ago i think? we're still going to ball together.
school is almost over.
THANK FUCKING GOD
apartment with Alex and Tess soon. I really hope that works out alright and doesn't fall to pieces. I've heard it puts strain on any type of relationship with you live together but eh, it's worth a shot.
MCC next year
oh! I'm going for acupuncture tomorrow. you know, that weird thing when they stick a truck load of tiny needles into you...i guess its supposed to relieve stress or something. hope it works.
uhhhmmm nothing else eventful going on in my life at the moment.
friday and saturday were great---
My dearest friend,
if you don't mind
I'd like to join you by your side
Where we could gaze into the stars
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| you're going to wake from this coma. |
[ | |
Sunday, April 29th 2007 at 11:18 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Son, Ambulance - An instant death |
] |
Today was great
played frisbee with Louis, Courtney, Matt Burkheart and Robinson at St Joe's today for a good long time.it was mom's birthday too. Woooooo happy number 47 lady.!
she had a sweet cake.
nightmares still waking me up....awesome. breaking up sucks. chilled with Dan last night which was great, i miss that kid a lot. I've been seeing so many more people it seems
talked to someone i haven't in a while today. slightly awkward none the less good to hear from them.
akhsdkajalsk;djaklsjdi9wueoiaue-98342-3iopasjd
i need to get away, seriously.
Ohohohoh!! Matt Burkheart and i will be making a movie soon! that's exciting.
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| i cant tell what kind of life i've planned today |
[ | |
Monday, April 23rd 2007 at 10:51 am
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| [ |
music |
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Mates of state - Ha ha |
] |
Hmm well i woke up just now. I was supposed to be in school at like 7:20. Goddamn nightmares keeping me up this is a bunch of bullshit.
This weekend was a decent weekend.
basically spent all of friday and Saturday with Tess Alex and Matt. I'm surprised he survived an entire day with the three of us. friday we went to the massive house in Pittsford...or as some of us call it "the death house". the guy who owns the house paid ridiculous sums of money to hunt exotic animals. There are at least four zebra pelts on various floors in the basement, elephant tusks and feet, stuffed foxes, boar, deer, bucks, rabbits, antelope, the list goes on. It's pretty bad.
we usually go there with Tess's step mom [well, soon to be step mom anyways] from time to time. It's always a lot of fun, sweet place to explore.
Al Fox's was fun too, she's a fun person to be around. Some crazy kid was bleeding everywhere though. What ever it was entertaining. Hahah we saw Cam and Richie there too which was extremely surprising...they are the last people i would have expected to see that night but it was still awesome all the same. We decided that all we should hang out more. I hope that happens because they pretty much rule.
I'm quitting smoking now. drinking i guess not...just cutting down a lot. who am i kidding this weekend was no different than before.
i haven't seen Justin in like a week.
:[
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[ | |
Thursday, April 19th 2007 at 11:26 am
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| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Foo Fighters - low |
] |
i had another nightmare last night,
what the hell.
so i didn't sleep all too great. Fuck nightmares.
there is a mysterious penfield women's lacrosse hoodie in my car, not exactly sure where it came from. I've never actually played school organized sports before and definitly not lacrosse. Fuck school sports.
frisbee in the park with alex, matt robinsin and burkheart, jewish jeffler, and justin was a lot of fun. Pushing up the pant legs and getting full of mud is where it's at. We went to javas after that but Justin and i had to leave like five minutes after everyone showed up. Fuck curfews. I really think it would be great to play frisbee everyday in the park. If only it was nice out more often and a decent temperature...you never really know with rochester. Fuck rochester.
no school or work tomorrow, besides MCC placement tests which rulesssssssssssss.....Don't fuck not having school.
bye for now.
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| read the disclaimer first. |
[ | |
Wednesday, April 18th 2007 at 4:55 pm
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| [ |
mood |
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 disturbed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Against me! - Cliche Guevara |
] |
DISCLAIMER: if you do not want to be extremely disturbed, then do not read this entry. i had a horrifying and fucked up dream two nights ago which scared the shit out of me. I've been reeling over it for the past 48 hours and i simply cannot get it out of my head. if anyone wishes to read it, go right ahead.
you have been warned.
please don't judge me about it. it's a dream and i had no say in the events which occur in it.
J.
It began in the bathroom. I was painting my face a deep shade of royal blue. That night was Halloween and I wanted to be a blue man. My paint job turned out for the worse and I looked like a white man playing a black man on a vaudeville stage, accept with blue facial paint. In the middle of my blue-transition I became aware what I had neglected to come across a suit for my costume, so I ventured into the next room in hopes of finding my brother and borrowing a suit from him. I entered the next room with walls of a bright orange and only one white four-pained window. In the room came across my good friend Tess Whitney and two other boys from my economics class at school, All of which were sitting quite complacently talking about the events which were awaiting us that night. “Are you ready to party??!?” Tess shouted at me in a fun mock voice. “Hellllllll yeah!” I responded with great excitement. Our conversation went on to include repeated statements of those previous two lines over and over again in varied forms. My brother entered the room talking of his great suit he had found for me. Pulling it out of the closet he said; “gangstuhhh son!” and handed me a black suit adorned with rainbow polka dots. The strange thing is, my brother is rarely ever nice to me. What made this occasion so special was not of any knowledge to me.
The house on a hill which stood before me was white, or at least appeared so from the front. The sides and back of the house resembled that of a log cabin. One story with a balcony attached to wooden stairs that lead to the backyard with a fire pit, this was the place which I called home. For some reason my sloppy face paint job had disappeared along with my rather stunning polka dot suit. I was wearing jeans with a pair of shorts underneath, my blue spotted underwear (matching bra and panties), green tank top, and white shirt. My hair was long and black, the way I had always wished it to be. Tonight was a special occasion, so I had to look my best. As I entered the house I found a mass amount of my peers, becoming as one might say, “Juiced”. Well, “hammered” is more of a better term for this situation. Bottles were strewn about the floor, ranging from beer bottles and cans to mini and enormous sized liquor bottles…most of which were full. As soon as I entered the living room, the party re-located themselves into the basement and I was left alone accept for a few stragglers. I looked at my surroundings and noticed the large amount of glass plated windows which I admired more than anything about my home were fogged with steam. There were blue and green lights illuminating the room, and a beer pong table shoved against the right side of the living room. A couch was placed along the wall which the door was also kept, and a television was placed in the left corner of the room, tilted for everyone’s viewing pleasure. It was quite a bare room, excusing the bottles carelessly placed about. The kitchen is clearly visible from the living room, considering there is no door but more of a giant gap in the wall. Next thing I knew everyone was running about the front lawn having a great time. I was now completely alone. I sat down on the couch and remained there for a few moments, sipping a bottle of Jack Daniel’s straight, no chaser. A boy ran up to me after a good ten minutes later and grabbed my arm. “Where are we going?” I asked rather confused, no response came from his pleasing face. The boy was tall with medium brown hair, oval shaped thin rimmed glasses, Caucasian, and a small brown mole lay on the left side of his chest…the vary same place which I have a mole. The boy then pulled me into a small rectangular room with doors on both of the small sides. Rather pathetically the boy attempted to force himself on me. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I shouted, feeling extremely degraded and proceeded to push him off rather violently. This caused me to fall to the floor and notice something out of the corner of my eye.
Looking up fearfully, I came to witness the most disgusting thing I have ever and will ever see in my entire existence….a man having sexual intercourse with a dog.
All of the gruesome details were clearly visible and I began to vomit. This dog was familiar to me; it belonged to a good friend of mine. Well, a former good friend. Someone I had unfortunately and unintentionally hurt in the past causing our friendship to evaporate the second I messed up. I digress. “Is he fucking that dog?” I screamed disgustedly, and began retching again. I ran back out into the living room and sat on the couch, began to stare at the white wall before me, and attempted to drink my self to death. As I began to calm down I devised a plan to catch this horrible person. Taking deep breaths and a few more deep swigs from the bottle, I thought to myself;
‘Maybe if I calm down and pretend that I didn’t just see that, I could find out this man’s name and call the police’
After I had finished my thought, the man came out of the room, dog running out of the door and into the back yard, tail between its legs. The man sat in a love seat close to the couch, located on the right side of the room next to the beer pong table. I looked directly at him; his eyes immediately met mine in a piercing gaze. Those big smoky blue eyes are ones I will never forget. His skin was deathly white, nearly albino, and hair an alarming shock of blonde. The most incredibly despicable feature of this man was his nose, crooked and enormous. Faking a smile, I asked his name. “That is not of any importance to you” He responded in a stern, hoarse voice…still piercing me with his gaze. “Well, my name is Anna.” Came from my mouth, which was a completely fabricated name created in fear of my life. None less, than ten seconds after I had uttered those words did the man spring on top of me and I retaliated by pinning him to the ground. I then slammed him, fist clenched with alarming force directly in the face. His body immediately became still, and his eyes lost their piercing nature. They became hollow and dead. No bruises rose from his now cold face, and no blood came from the area which I had struck either. His face began to melt, though not that of a liquid fashion but more of a distortion. His bottom left eye lid caved, and his right one caved at its outer crease. His eyes grew wide, pupils dilated, nose crumpled, and lip began to twitch and cave down as well. All the while his eyes remained locked with mine. Multiple policemen and women began to flood my house with shouts, flashing lights, and hands pulling me off of the horrible creature which lay beneath me. Police swarmed the man and also the boy who had attempted to attack me earlier, thanking me profusely for stopping them both.
Mother, father and I were for some reason standing in the parking lot at east view mall. The night had set in and only the glow of the orange parking lot lights kept us company as we walked out to each of our own individual cars. Unfortunately my parents had recently split which was quite a surprise to me. Never the less it deemed upon them necessary and I am extremely pleased that they both are very happy now, though it may be at the expense of my brother and I. I reached my car and got inside. Watching my parents drive away, I started my car and also began driving, though absentmindedly. I was so distressed at the time that I bean swerving and nearly shot my car over a cliff. During this chaotic moment I had a horrible vision. Sort of an overview of the road and cars, a bird’s eye view if you will. The cars were reasonably sized dots, each labeled with the name of the person driving the vehicle. I watched my father’s dot drive off of a cliff, my mother’s dot plummet into a ravine after being side swiped by an eighteen wheeler dot, and my own dot fly into a ditch. After this vision I turned around my red jetta and parked in a secluded part of the mall parking lot, attempting to calm myself down for the second time in this horrible night. Suddenly I was outside of my car, and had no idea how I had managed to get there. I thought I was alone, and I calmed myself down but another huge sense of emptiness set in and took me over. The glow of orange lights illuminated a dark skinned figure staring at me from about ten feet away. The boy began to walk towards me extremely quickly. I scrambled as fast as I could to get into my car, yet the doors were locked. My car is extremely troubled and only able to unlock from the passengers side of the car. The boy continued to advance, screaming un-interpretable gibberish, at least which is what I heard. My system felt as though it was shutting down so my ears were not fully functional at the time. I finally managed to wrench the door open and get into my car just before he got to me, but I was far to petrified to start the car or even think for that matter. The dark boy began to scream into the closed window; “I WANT A DIVORCE! I WANT A DIVORCE!” over and over all the while smashing in the back window of the car on the drivers side. My hands are finally determined enough to start the car and I finally manage to drive up a hill towards a stop light. The black boy is already at the top of the hill, but to my relief surrounded by cops. These police fellows seem to have saved my life twice this night, I no longer have a strong hate for everything they work towards. “You are a very lucky girl, Jenna.” The cop said to me calmly. “That’s twice tonight you have been in life threatening danger. So is this all he has been saying?” The black boy was still shouting about divorce. I responded with a yes, and got back into my car.
I sped home as fast as I legally could in hopes of receiving comfort from my mother. I arrived back to my house and for some odd reason the party is still going on, and no one is aware of the rapists which were apprehended in that very house only about an hour earlier. Filled with anger and hate for alcohol and parties, I stormed down into the wooden paneled basement to find where my mother had gone to. Multiple individuals attempted to stop me, calm me down, and force alcohol on me, yet I kept pushing through them to get to my mother. She was all that I wanted at that exact moment. My hate turns to fear and yearning for attention as my search for her turns up empty handed. I begin running around the enormous basement, screaming and bawling, feeling helpless and alone. No body was in any of the rooms, it seemed as though they had all ventured into the first story and left empty pizza boxes and alcohol containers scattered all about the basement floor. Finally she comes out of a room, as does my father. He flopped too the floor on top of a conveniently placed mountain of pillows, angry at my waking him. Mother was quite sympathetic, yet her embraces and kisses are not comforting at all. If anything, they make me seem even farther gone than when I had caught the rapists.
Next thing I knew my father is gone, as is my mother. I began to storm around the house shouting at people to leave. Turned out that my mother had already begun to do so, accept telling only the ‘assholes’ to leave, meaning anyone who wasn’t a friend of mine or hers had to get out. I went upstairs and people continued to file out of our home drunk and stupid, all getting into their cars facing a deadly drive home.
The living room was empty, so I felt comfortable enough to remove a few articles of clothing starting with my pants and t-shirt….which turned into completely nothing. Realizing I was naked, I put my clothing back on piece by piece. Bra, panties, tank top...but my shirt and jeans had gone missing. I reached for my shorts when an extremely unpleasant smell reached my nostrils. The violated dog had shit all over them. I was pant-less, shirtless, and I had lost my mother again. Having absolutely no idea where she had gotten to, I asked the remaining guests where she had gotten to. Running outside in my underwear I found her picking up beer cans with Mr. Whitney (Tess’s father) and nagged her a bit to pay some attention to me and actually listen to what I had to say. “In a minute Jen.” That moment made me realize how much I despised being called Jen. I had forever only allowing people who cared about me a great deal to call me Jen. This includes my grandmother, cousin, aunt, and maternal mother. I came to my senses then realizing that it was a shallow name which meant nothing and began to loathe myself for even thinking it had a caring background or even the slightest bit of meaning to it. I climbed the stairs and noticed I was fully clothed once again, yet I appeared to be anorexic looking which I had not been at the beginning of the night and never have been. Tess and one of the boy’s from my economic class were lifting up and slamming down my oven in the kitchen, completely toasted and un-aware of what they were doing, thinking it was hilarious. I shouted over everyone to listen to my story and what I had to tell them but no one would listen, Tess kept telling me she would listen but she kept walking away. My mother kept telling me she would listen but she kept walking away . Everyone at the party told me they would listen but everyone kept walking away. I began to sob heavily and run outside into the massive parking lot in front of my house. I then recognized it as the parking lot at east view mall and made the connection from before that we were never in fact at east view mall at all. I ran to the farthest corner of the parking lot and sat curled up in a ball, now in my underwear and a white t-shirt, still skinny as hell, crying uncontrollably. Slowly, patrons of the party began to join me outside and apologize for what they had done earlier. They all had promised me that they would listen to me if I would just come inside and stop my ‘whining’. They’re really just a bunch of assholes. I went inside anyways; it was much warmer in there. Everybody was sitting on a gigantic couch which spanned the entire length of the kitchen. All attention was on me, but I only managed to get the beginnings of my tale in before everyone returned to talking and mingling with each other. It had finally set in. I was worthless. Nobody cared about me at all. I was just their, well, ‘Bitch’ if you will. They completely used me for everything. I looked over at Louis, he was making out with a gorgeous girl on the couch. After he had finished he began to play a small drum with q-tip resembling sticks, the both of them smiling at each other...completely stoned..
It really is sad how people find happiness in leaching off of others.
I felt empty and alone, and alcohol couldn’t make me feel better. Tess was wasted, but still telling me she would listen to anything I had to say even though she kept walking away. Alex was having sex with someone in the other room, also completely drunk. Earlier she called her parents and told them I was wasted and she had to take care of me all night so she wouldn’t be home until the next morning.
Nobody can give back what they take.
At least none of my friends can.
Shortly after my revelation, my phone started to ring. I looked down at the call ID and it said ‘Insurance’. “Insurance?” I said softly. “What the hell do they wa-” Some random person from the party interrupted me slurring a sentence which sounded like “immnnsurance honly cawls when summin bads gonna hap’n”
Right after the drunken fool had said that, my phone began to buzz again. I looked down at the caller ID and there was a picture…and a name.
It was the rapist.
The name started with a J…I can’t quite remember what it was. James…Jordan…Justin….Jesse….John….
I’m never really safe.
|
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| everyones a voyeurist, they're watching me watch them watch me right now |
[ | |
Monday, April 16th 2007 at 11:38 am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i dont want to go to work |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
modest mouse - paper thin walls |
] |
spring break was one of the most intense and life changing experiences of my life. i was pretty much incredibly inebriated most of the nights, either that or working my ass off. yes i guess i went against my last entry when i stated i was going to quit drinking, but hey i posted it half way through spring break. on a more serious note i do think i'm going to ween myself off of drinking, It really does wreak havoc on my state of mind in the first place then add to that the mixture of my medicine....not really a good turn out, and pretty much a guaranteed hang over.
the meds double that effect.
i didn't see caitlin at all over break. and i don't like that at all, i miss her very very much but our schedules seem to clash all the time
but i did hang out with tess and alex pretty much every day :] alex and i got into a bit of a tiff though...i kind of got on her case about how she gets when she is drunk and she got angry with me for bringing it up repeatedly though i felt it really necessary to do so. i really hate when things like this happen, i try to avoid confrontation at all costs yet everyone tells me that confrontation solves a lot. yet every time i go to talk to someone about a problem i have with them they get extremely upset and turn it all around on me. fuck that
i may be getting sent off to a clinic. not cool, but more on that later.
oh i got to hang out with matt robinsin a lot over break which was sweet. he's a great kid and i think i've told him more about myself in the past week than i've ever told any one. kind of strange, but its great to have someone who listens and actually cares. well at least it seems like he cares
um, the end?
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| I'm never real, it's just a sketch of me. |
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Wednesday, April 11th 2007 at 12:36 pm
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music |
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bright eyes - waste of paint |
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alright.
i quit drinking. i'm done with it. the only people who will know are the ones who actually read this, because i'm not exactly going to announce it to the world. if i actually did try to do that nobody would take me seriously. no more drugs either. not like i did anything besides smoke weed and i dont even do that frequently so thats not a problem at all.
the cigarettes stay though.
the septum may come out. not sure yet--
but its time for alot of change.
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| i smell like the ass of subway |
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Monday, April 9th 2007 at 9:16 pm
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mood |
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angry |
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music |
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the agony scene - heabeas corpus |
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and i really don't want to go to another fucking party tonight.
adkljl;askdjiopaueowiajeklsaj
ANGRY!
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| drinking ruins |
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Monday, April 9th 2007 at 1:01 pm
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mood |
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blahhhhh |
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music |
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blood brothers - lazer life |
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I have a very horrible tendency to absolutely screw up everything. i really should quit drinking. i may not cause a major scene, flip out, cry, or throw up everywhere...but i do tend to rag on people's emotions. anyone I've ever had feelings for I've hurt one way or another..while inebriated. it's actually quite rediculeous. honest i never mean to hurt anyone, yet every single action I've taken lately has turned out for the worse.
everyone is breaking up which is very hard to watch and not be able to help. it's also sad that no one can have a good time anymore without drinking or drugs. everyone knows that is completely true. i cant even remember the last time i hung out with someone and didn't hear the statement "let's get drunk" or "man i need to get wasted tonight". it's such a huge escape now. anytime someone has had a bad day, bad break up, or a problem going on its the solution. even for celebration we drink. it's alright in moderation, but when it becomes a nightly thing where no one knows their limit---how will that end up? what ever happened to the days of playing twister and getting amped up on mountain dew? come on guys.
our group of friends is starting to deteriorate also. this is quite heart breaking but at the same time, friend's grow apart. it happens. we're all starting to get the itch to get away from high school drama and all that goes with it..beginning this process may entail losing a few friends. thats fine as long as it isn't spiteful and if it's for the better.
i do miss this though.
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| --and i went crazy again today. |
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Thursday, April 5th 2007 at 11:24 am
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Paper Bag |
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ITS THURSDAY
AND I'M IN MY LAST CLASS FOR THE DAY
[not including jazz choir of course.....but that's beside the point]
spring break is destined to ruin my liver and i look forward to it more than anything.
i have about 35 hours this week which is awesome$$$
so everyone come to subgay, we have a tip jar now hah.
just listened to the new locust cd today.
it's actually really good
ummm
i seem to be extremely confused all the time now.
not sure exactly what i want to do
i really need to loose this apathetic attitude i have towards school and get going on college things. Defiantly going to MCC next year and majoring in fine arts. fuck what everyone says, there has has to be something one can do with a fine arts degree.
man i suck at this livejournal thing.
i miss matt burkheart
and emily brewster
COME BACK YOU ASSHOLES :[
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iam_a_blueblood's journal